A self-doubting feminist
Feeling inadequate can be a tricky burden to bear!
On some days, it makes you strive harder every minute to do better. But, there are some truly dark moments when you spiral, and if that goes unchecked, it can completely decimate your confidence and self worth. It is a constant and endless cycle. There are good, productive days, and then there are depressing days when you never seem to get even a single thing right.
If that isn’t enough you are subjected to people’s expectations on a daily basis. Your parents expect you to be a model son or daughter, your boss expects you to be a high performing employee, your friends expect you to be a supportive, stable friend and so on. Add to this, the expectations you have of yourself. It is a deathly mix, one I find myself increasingly unable to cope with.
You must be thin, but not too thin; you must be smart, but not too smart; you must earn well, but not too well; you must be progressive, but not too progressive; you must be independent, but not too independent. And god forbid you are feminist, then you must be a full-proof, perfect specimen of a modern woman. You are not afforded even a single slip-up.
While this whirpool of thoughts was swirling in my head, I found my saviour in the form of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Her words felt like an assuring embrace…as if saying you define your own feminism.
11 minutes…that is all it took for me to fall in love with her.
She speaks with a purpose and has an interesting way — funny and lighthearted — of expressing her perspective. She has a special kind of authenticity and believability in her words that has left me spellbound.
For the last few days, I have been persistently talking about her and her ideas, chewing off my dad’s ears in the process. He has been nodding and listening patiently to my impassioned utterances every few hours.
Something she said, really struck a chord with me. You might think me foolish, but it is perhaps the simplest, yet the most cogent statement I have heard on feminism.
‘Feminism is about justice for everyone but you have to name the problem. And the problem is it’s women who have been excluded.’
Recite that to yourself. Recite it, until you have internalized this statement. Remember it every time someone asks you why it is called feminism if it is about gender equality. Remember it every time you are about to say something that even remotely ridicules or belittles a woman or a man for being a feminist.
There aren’t very many feminist icons that I have felt inspired to listen to; but this one is different. I have spent the last few days listening to her speeches, looking up her books online (even buying one excitedly; can’t wait to read it) and being inspired by even the most run of the mill statements she has made. I know those words, and thoughts like they are my own — but hearing someone say them out loud is a validation of my ideas.
I am convinced now and forever that Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is the feminist icon the world has been waiting for. She is not just an author and a feminist— she has the charm and experience of an ‘every day girl’ who knows exactly how infuriating casual sexism and unconscious gender bias is.
No moral high ground
I have been led me down a path of self discovery more recently. I have been forced to retrospect and fight with my ownself on how I conduct myself on certain things. It is no news to people around me that I express my displeasure rather quickly and on some ocassions with the intent to fight or quarrel. On some ocassions, I talk like I have a moral vantage point on the subject of feminism and can indict anyone I like to (sometimes, without fully listening to their perspective).
The fact of the matter is I have no moral high ground. Because even I, like many, had a warped and misguided understanding of feminism not too long ago.
For the better part of my teenage and adult life, I have been what they call a ‘tomboy.’ Had it not been for my feminine form— you could have easily mistaken me for a boy. I preferred wearing ragged jeans, loose t-shirts (formerly/currently owned by my brother), and had unruly, almost-never-combed hair. I hated doing anything remotely girly and had an absolute contempt for the colour pink.
I don’t know why and how it happened — but I was convinced that being masculine, and boy-like was a sign of strength and being ‘chill’. I’d prefer playing sports with boys rather than girls because I found it particularly empowering to beat a boy or show them that I had the athleticism and the stamina to keep up. On the rare ocassions that I did play with girls, I found they were weak and could not match my energy. In case you were wondering — No! I did not have very many friends growing up because I clearly was a little shit who did not know any better.
I had a grand total of 10 cousin brothers and just 2 cousin sisters growing up. When you are surrounded by so much testosterone, it is easy for a 14 year old to think that being a ‘tomboy,’ ‘rowdy,’ and ‘masculine’ is a sign of a powerful, independent girl. I can do what the boys can do too! I am ashamed to admit that I found girly women weak and would always look down upon them. On occasion, I might have upset or hurt them just to show them my way was the right way and they too should learn to be more masculine.
I am glad I have evolved. I am glad I think better, and know better than my 14-year old self. This perhaps is a great anecdote to explain why everyone — boys and girls — need a solid female role model. I have been fortunate enough to gain more than one.
Australian comedian Hannah Gadsby in her recent stand-up act Nanette (you need to watch it if you haven’t already! Trust me!) said something really potent, ‘…you learn to move beyond your defensiveness…that’s your first point, you’re stuck on it, but you need to get some space around it….’ The world is constantly shifting and what I have been compeltely blind to is the fact that adapting and keeping up with this rapid change is not easy. It takes time. I too evolved…I too changed for the better…but it took time. It did not happen overnight and somebody helped me get there.
I, too, need to learn to go beyond my ‘defensiveness’ and help them get there!
