Next station…..Dadar

I was having a rather odd day. It felt like the entire world was moving fast, but I was stationary. Sitting by my lonesome, I felt the atmosphere fill up with a soothing symphony. Staring into an empty space, I could feel my body starting to relax and slowly lulling into sleep.

And…WHACKKKK!!

Unbenownest to her. a woman slapped me hard with her handbag as she flung it across her shoulder. I was irritated, disoriented and almost ready to launch a counterattack when the woman shoved her face in my line of vision, animatedly saying ‘I am sorry!’ again and again.

And just like that, I was jerked back into the loud reality of the Mumbai local train I was travelling in. The symphony was gone and so was the sleep. All that remained was the sweaty face of the woman infront of me. Just to save myself from the unrelenting rain of spit she was showering on me while apologising, I raised by palm signalling that her apology was accepted! It was barely 8 am…I had just started my travel to work and I was already having an odd day.

The local railways are undisputedly the lifeline of the city and have completely changed over the years yet remained constant. During peak hours, the Mumbai railways look nothing short of a battleground except there are no warring parties; it’s every man for himself. When you successfully board the train having fought a sea of people, the battle is only half won. The real prize is securing yourself a seat till you reach your destination.

The locals never disappoint — they are almost never on time, always crowded, and filled with the choicest idiots. Every monsoon, they will stop running due to water logging giving you a surprise holiday. Literally, EVERY MONSOON!

I do not remember a time before I started travelling in the Mumbai locals — that is how long it has been! It would be safe to say that in the last dozen years I have spent more time in trains than I have at home.

The best and worst part about travelling in the local trains are the people you meet on a daily basis. Despite my best efforts, I have ended up befriending many women who have on ocassion extended unsolicited advice to me and a fellow girl passengers. My brain is cluttered with countless stories about people I don’t know or have never even met. I know who is getting divorced, who is having a baby, who is having trouble conceiving and who is a ‘bad girl’ for having a boyfriend at such a young age.

There is always that one lady who loves to talk and whether you like it or not she will tell you all about her third cousin on her father’s side who has recently moved to America and gotten married to a ‘gori’ ladki. From what I hear, either a lot of people are in need of some serious help or this lady has a flair for the dramatic.

I cannot even begin to fathom just how many people I have crossed paths with in the last 12 odd years. Some faces I remember, most I don’t. But, there are certain types of people and that almost never changes.

The Contentious

These kind of people begin fighting over something rather trivial when they board the train and can go on (without any response/further provocation) until they alight an hour later. Say whatever you may want, but that takes special skills…a special kind of craziness…a special kind of strength and I believe in their power.

For most part I feel irritated, but cannot help but be in complete awe of such women. I once saw a woman reduce another to tears — and I am talking ‘full blown breakdown’ tears not the ‘anyone barely noticed’ tears. The reason you ask: a simple accidental shove to the shoulder.

The Ogres

These are quite simply the people that repulse you at first sight. They don’t really have to do anything to you, or to anyone in particular. You just look at them and immediately not like them. They just look like people you wouldn’t agree with on a single thing and it’s just best to hate them from the get go for no particular reason.

The Ogres are those women who will pretend like they need more space to sit than they actually do. I mean you are so thin, you could almost be invisible. So if you want me to believe you need that much space to sit you have another thing coming!

The Grumps

These are my favourite kind of people. They are the right amount of upset about travelling in a crowded, smelly and sweaty train. They won’t get into fights or purposefully go out of their way to inconvenience others — because you know that would take efforts — but they will sure as hell ensure that everyone knows they are not happy about your presence.

No prize for guessing, I am a Grump! I travel twice a day in trains — two times too many if you ask. Both the times are rather inconvenient for me — first is early in the morning when I am barely awake and second is in the evening when I am drained after a day’s work. I don’t know how all of Mumbai local train travellers aren’t Grumps…I just don’t!

The Delirious

These are the ‘All is well’ people (yes, it is still very much infuriating as it was all those years ago). Their extreme happiness and enthusiasm has only one explanation — drugs. They are unusually excited about rather small things like a fellow traveller’s dress, somebody’s new mangalsutra or any other jewellery, or a person sitting next to them.

You don’t want to talk to them, but they are extremely interested in telling you what’s up in their life. I hate The Delirious with every bone in my body.

The Movie Buffs

The silent movie-watchers! The only time they look up is when they have arrived their destination or someone asks them to share the movie they are watching. In the chaotic world of Mumbai locals, they are the pacifist hippies we all need! They are unfazed by any and all fights….they do not participate in small talk and have a perpetual resting bitch face.

The Mafia

A big group of women who travel together everyday and sit in a designated part of the compartment all days without fail — they are the Mafia! This group is impenetrable and will not let you sit or stand around them.

You secretly hate them but kind of want to be liked by them too. It’s weird! Ever been in an incident where you ended up fighting with a woman who was backed by The Mafia— that’s the scariest shit you have ever gone through in life. They will demolish you with such a purpose, it will crush your soul. Word of advice, don’t be a hero and pick a fight with any single one of them.

The Creeps

The ones who ‘accidentally’ grind against you when there is literally enough space for four people to lie down. No, it isn’t ok for you to accidentally touch my butt just because you are a woman too. It just isn’t!

So, which category would you put yourself under?